Thursday, July 14, 2011

How to Tell If Your Boyfriend (or Girlfriend) is a Supernatural Being

We all know how awkward those first dates can be. Sometimes it's hard to break through the facade and get to the person underneath.  Some of you may be wondering if the boy (or girl) you're dating might be a vampire, shifter, or other paranormal entity.  Here are ten warning signs:

1. He is oddly unavailable the same hours each day.  Like not even to text.  And when you secretly check his phone to make sure he got your texts, the screen is splattered with blood.

2. His wardrobe changes frequently.  You find the My Chemical Romance T-Shirt you loved shredded at the back of his closet... splattered with blood.

3. He listens to My Chemical Romance.

4. When you go out to eat, he never does.  Oh sure, he pretends to eat but then you find a napkin in his lap filled with bite-size chunks of his meal.  Despite never seeming to eat, he is over 200 pounds of rippling muscle and changes the flat on your Volkswagen Beetle without a jack.

5. Alternatively, he eats meat but only if it's very rare or an organ.  (Kidney pie, yum.)

6.  He seems fixated on your head and spaces out a lot.  Gross motor control is not his strong point.  (Warning: if your boyfriend meets these criteria, you might be dating a zombie or frankenstein.  Get away.)

7. He kisses you like he's tasting you.

8. Moodiness.  He wants you.  He doesn't want you.  He insists you shouldn't be together and claims he's not good for you, yet follows you around and shows up in the most unlikely places.

9.  Perfume doesn't turn him on, but when your hands smelled like BBQ sauce after the family picnic, he went absolutely nuts.

10. An aura surrounds him.  It could be a subtle glow, a faint sparkle, or the smell of decaying flesh.

If your boyfriend meets any of these criteria, you may be dating a paranormal entity. Take necessary precautions.  I recommend finding another boy(or girl) with these qualities, and feigning attraction in exchange for protection.  Or, becoming obsessive about silver jewelry.


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